


ishtar grieving her mortal lover, again

by seagrey



Category: Sumerian Mythology
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Long-Distance Relationship, Mental Health Issues, Terminal Illnesses, emphysema, millennial reinterpretations of myths
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 06:51:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14373258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seagrey/pseuds/seagrey
Summary: "If you do not open the gate for me to come in,I shall smash the door and shatter the bolt,I shall smash the doorpost and overturn the doors,I shall raise up the dead and they shall eat the living:And the dead shall outnumber the living!"





	ishtar grieving her mortal lover, again

    the worst of it

    is watching you

    in pain

    lungs  m e  l   t    i     n      g

    fragile barrel chest shuddering

the worst of it

is

watching

and wondering if this is it

if this time

you really are dying

    the worst of it is

    hearing you struggling, suffering

    listening to you trying  _trying_  to ignore

    - and, worse, sometimes failing -

    the siren song of suicide

thank the gods you are shitty at self-murder

    the worse part is the watching

    i am the captivated audience glued to the movie screen

    except this time no one is acting

    and we are still separated by screen

    the weight of the wait wrapped around our wrists

     grief muffled by the slow steady step of seconds soldiering onward

    inevitable unshakable impersonal time

our voices are both hoarse

yours with fire in the pit of your lungs

smoke billowing from your throat

mine with grief a decade too early

or a day too late

    i did not expect to know the words

    ”every day could be your last”

    until my withered parents were gasping in their elderly beds

    unthinkable centuries from now

    ”every day could be your last”

    i know every dimension

    of every letter

    of that phrase

    i know the texture of its warning on my lips

    the lukewarmth of each word pooling around my fattening dread

i expected that the gift of time would be mine

i expected to have the privilege of planning and preparing

i expected to be armed with maturity

to wear as armour a wise acceptance of the horrifying

                                                                            inevitability

                                                                                        of loss

    i expected to be able to hold your hand

    as life

    (as always)

    failed you

i understand, my love

why the noose seems like your friend

when choking the air from your throat

when coughing out old age

                              years that wear blood and chunks of lung like a fur coat and diamond rings

when encouraging the encroaching end

seems like finally falling to sleep

                    i understand that the pain lacing your lungs

      and the ache deep in the seams of your skin

is comforting

    but i have already conquered my desire to be icarus

i would compose a labyrinth of my own

to contain the monster haunting the halls in your head

siphon it outside your skull

slip it into mine

steal the son of your pain

to keep you with me

    i would tear the very Earth asunder

    annihilate the divide between the living and the dead

    shred the gates to Heaven and Hell

    with my teeth or

    flatten them

    beneath my feet

but i cannot contain the world

and am powerless to protect you

i cannot save you

and must wait while you wither with the ripening of years

or watch you prune yourself from eternity

    until then i will whisper at your side

    from six states, one thousand and eighty five miles, away

    all the ways i love you

    all the ways i am proud of you

    all the ways you are valuable

    all the ways you are   so    incredibly    important

to me

**Author's Note:**

> "If you do not open the gate for me to come in,  
> I shall smash the door and shatter the bolt,  
> I shall smash the doorpost and overturn the doors,  
> I shall raise up the dead and they shall eat the living:  
> And the dead shall outnumber the living!"


End file.
